I’m sitting here trying to organize my thoughts so that I can write something. I’ve felt like this since Wednesday. That morning I got up and everything progressed like normal except that Baby Girl had Kindergarten graduation that morning.
I brought her home with me afterward. I had to work from home because we were having a new garage door installed. Right before noon I heard someone walk in the back door. My mom came in the living room crying. My grandfather had passed away that morning.
It was like the other shoe had finally dropped.
Our family has been split since my grandmother passed away five years ago. Horrible things were said and divisions that had slowly been growing over the years finally split our family into a chasm the size of the Grand Canyon. The bridge that held the two sides together was gone and there was no reuniting either side.
And now this.
I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to feel. A lot of bad stuff has happened. Do you focus on that, or do you focus on all of the years that came before? Do I be strong and reinforce the dam that held back the emotions for the last five years, or do I break it down and try to survive the flood?
I did pretty good all day. I was strong. I lied and said it didn’t matter. I had said goodbye five years ago. My emotional well was dry. And then American Idol came on. And I know how silly that sounds, but that would be because you don’t know the history of our family. I sat on the couch and watched Haley walk out on stage with her dad playing guitar behind her and I just lost it.
All of these snapshots of memories started flooding my mind. All it took was the reminder of him playing the guitar behind my mother so, so many times. The tears could no longer be held back. The dam was broken.
And I knew at that point that I could either focus on the five or so bad years, or I could hold on to the thirty plus years. I could admit that he could be a truly horrible husband and a truly great grandfather. I could remember the man he ended his life as in a demented and mentally incapacitated state, or could remember the patient, hardworking man he was.
I choose the latter.
Bye-bye Paw-paw. I love you.
I'm so sorry, Jennifer.
What a beautiful story, Jennifer. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope time will fade the bad memories and strengthen the good ones.
I'm so sorry for your loss Jennifer.
It is so very hard when families are estranged. I'm dreading this in my own family.
HUGS!
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm thinking of you and your family.
I'm sorry. You bring such a beauty to this expression. So honest about your own "business" and yet so honoring to the living and those who've gone on…
I totally get the AI thing.
I'm sorry for the present loss, and all the loss before it. I hope that you are able to hold on to the good.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. I think it hurts, no matter who it is, when you lose someone that was ever close to you.
I knew you'd make that choice because you are just a really good person Jennifer.
I'm sorry for your loss, in more ways that one. Praying for your family and extra hugs when I do see you…
I'm sorry for your loss.
So sorry for your loss. You made such a good choice in remembering the good, I think people have a really hard time with that. Wishing the best for you and your family.
I am sooo sorry for your loss Jen, I think that it's healthier to let the flood gates loose and focus on surviving the flood. It's harder, but it's never good to let emotions bottle up, ya know? Of course you do, but thought I'd say it anyway. Hang in there honey and big hugs to you.
a courageous and tender stand you've taken. Very respectful, and honoring which is more than one can ask for at times. way to go. Hope your feeling comfort and understanding throughout your day.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Totally OT, but cute blog redesign.