As I walked down the aisle I focused on the floor in front of me. I could feel my shirt too tight across my chest and my pants hugging in all the wrong places.
I didn’t dare glance around the room because I knew that most of the people there were men. I was scared if I looked up or happened to glance in the mirror along the back wall that I would see them trying to hold back laughter, their faces filled with disgust and the knowledge that I didn’t belong.
I concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other until I was finally at my destination. As I stepped in the restroom I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I had taken the first steps to becoming a healthier person. I had joined the gym. Now I just had to survive walking in the door every time I came.
These were my exact thoughts last week as I went to the gym. I was embarrassed that I had let myself get in this condition. I felt like I didn’t belong. I didn’t want to walk back across the weight room to get to where the treadmills were kept. I wanted to leave.
Shame is not a new subject. We’ve talked about it before. I keep thinking I’ve gotten to the point that I will no longer feel this way. But as I tackle each new subject and as I broach the subject of my “diet” with someone new I feel a bubble of dread and loathing rise up inside me. I don’t want people to know.
I know how silly that sounds. All you have to do is look at me to know that I’m overweight. But in my head it feels like acknowledging the problem makes it real. As long as I ignore it and go on like nothing is wrong then I feel like I can ignore the reality of my situation. But each step forces me to accept the truth, and the shame rises back up to the surface.
I’m tired of feeling this way, and I’ve decided to put a stop to it. I have no reason to feel ashamed for doing something to improve myself. It is time I learned to respect myself and that is the commitment I’m making to myself today.
Now when I walk in the gym, I hold my head high. I don’t care who is looking. I don’t care what my workout clothes look like because I know they won’t be this way for long. I stand tall and think, “I’m awesome.” Because really? I totally am.
This week SITS will be hosting a link up about letting go. Everyone is encouraged to write a post where they “let go” of something that has been holding them back or keeping them from achieving their goals. Please check out their site, and if something is weighing you down, let it go. Move forward with your life. Because you? Are totally awesome too.
More posts about my weight loss struggle:
The Battle
Moving Forward
Willpower
Winning the War
Assignments
The shame of being fat
Winning, one step at a time
It’s working
I did it
Managing Food
{ 33 comments }
You are right. You have no reason to be ashamed of doing something healthy. (which is a metaphor for life if there ever was one)
AND
You will challenge and bless the life of the one who gets to see your transformation.
You ARE awesome! And I'm so happy for you that you are taking these steps with your head held high!
What a great post. Seriously. I love that sign/picture. I think that every time you start to feel embarrassed or ashamed, you should pull that picture out!
I love this post and especially love your picture. Getting past shame, whether real or imagined, is not easy. You are doing fantastic and I can't wait to hear more about your journey. I am here rooting you on the whole way!!!
I am so proud of you! You are doing it lady!
All paths to greatness start somewhere.
What a priviledge (sp?) it is to be featured with you today!
Congratulations on taking that gigantic step forward – joining a gym takes some serious guts, I remember trying to find one a couple of years ago to get in shape and lower the cholesterol… it was hard to find one in this college town that wasn't full of tan, hot little sorority gals (i'm totally bird legged, super pale, freckly, redheaded, and my face turns blood red the second I step on an exercise machine, you get the picture)but I lucked out and found a great one with peeps of all types with different goals. They're like family!
Good luck with your goals, and what a fantastic post! The first day is always the hardest!!!
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shut your hole. this post is AWESOME. YOU are AWESOME. I love you…and wish I was there to gym it up with you. YOU GO GIRL.
Love this post, Jennifer. You're right. You are awesome. And you can do it.
Jennifer, you're beautiful, and that sign makes me smile!
Awesome! You are so on track and doing a wonderful job! What a great post!
I can totally relate to this post. I used to feel the same way about my weight struggle, and sometimes find myself slipping back. I would never mention it because in some weird way I thought if I did then people would know. Hello you can look at me and tell I struggle.
I have done the same walk, and sadly some of those people who look at you think that way. However, I learned a long time ago to let them embrace their ignorance because that is something even harder to lose. Meanwhile, losing weight and finding our own self happiness is journey of pride and ownership. We can only improve our lives and no one should look down at anyone who strives for that.
You are amazing! and anybody who doesn't look at you and realize that sucks! You just keep on improving yourself and the world around you
You are doing so wonderful!
I have done the same walk, and sadly some of those people who look at you think that way. However, I learned a long time ago to let them embrace their ignorance because that is something even harder to lose. Meanwhile, losing weight and finding our own self happiness is journey of pride and ownership. We can only improve our lives and no one should look down at anyone who strives for that.
You are amazing! and anybody who doesn't look at you and realize that sucks! You just keep on improving yourself and the world around you
You are doing so wonderful!
You ARE awesome! Good for you! This is amazing and truly inspiring and emotional. Thank you for sharing in such a raw and open way. You brought some tears to my eyes.
That is great! Good luck… can't wait to see your progress!
You are so awesome and inspiring for sharing your heart with us! Keep your head held high & rock on!
Jennifer this is an awesome post – I came over from SITS after reading the segment they posted there with your beautiful inspirational picture. I read this post with my heart thumping, as I know that feeling of shame. Jennifer you gave me goosebumps today. thanks so much for sharing, and yay for you, NO MORE SHAME!!
Being in the gym is a struggle.
I'm so proud of you!
Gyms are scary. I always freel like people are judging, but I am sure they are not and even if they are so what!
Love love love the picture it is awesome!
I think you are too hard on yourself. Instead of looking at you and thinking you didn't belong, perhaps they were thinking, "Good for her!" and secretly cheering you on. You never know… that hot, ripped bod that you think is judging you could have had 300 pounds of fat covering it two years ago. There is no reason for shame! Only for celebrating a healthier you!
And, you totally ARE.
I have tears in my eyes reading this my dear. You are so so so much more that your exterior. KUDOS to you for sharing with us your inner turmoil as acknowledgment is the first step toward healing and "letting go". Can't wait to link up on Thur. I have some serious work to do, but it is time!
Melody
http://www.lifestwistedstitches.com
I am so proud of you! Don't ever be ashamed. I think you are gorgeous!
Good for you, Jennifer! You are an inspiration and you are beautiful!
Oh, I feel you here. Why is it that I'm just fine walking through the grocery store in this figure, but walking through a gym is traumatic? There's no reason to feel shame, but shame doesn't always listen to reason. But – for every one of us who walks through the gym with her head held high, that makes it easier for another one of us to take the same step. You are taking care of you; you are inspiring someone else {me}.
You go Jennifer! It is awesome that you are doing this for yourself and for your family. Those folks are probably not even thinking a thing about you, but you know what? So what if they are? You gotta do what is best for you! And just wait, when they see your commitment and progress, they will be cheering you on!
Bernice
Thank you so much for the inspiration!
I relate! I relate!
I just finished the book "Women, Food and God" and I think I need to read it again. I kept relating to everything. What's hard, of course, is putting it all into practice.
And, like you said, not feeling the shame!
You should ABSOLUTELY be holding your head up high! I've never understood the idea that some mean people have that bigger folks shouldn't be in the gym. WHA? Uh, so only tiny tightbodies should work out? That's so silly.
Have fun at the gym and be proud of being healthy!
You are filled with awesomeness. I love this. I totally, and utterly love this. I can relate to the shame thing. I feel it too and then it makes me want to eat things I shouldn't, which is nutso. I'm going to come back and reread this periodically because it's inspiring and so reflective of my feelings as well. As you know I'm trying to lose 30 lbs, and it's slllooowwwww going but we've just got to respect ourselves and keep at it, right? Right!
Wonderful post sharing what so many women have felt walking into a gym. The photo is the best part. Hello, respect! You have mine.
I guess I didn’t read this post the first time so I’m really glad you linked to it!
And I hope you walk into the gym with confidence every single time! Love that photo.
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