I’m sure some of you have been wondering about how the whole weight loss thing has been going. The short version is, not good. The long version is so simple and complicated that I’m not sure I can write about it. Of course that won’t stop me from trying.
The first month and a half went really great. I was losing weight. I had started going to the gym. The next two weeks got a little shaky. I went to visit Jodi, and while I did mostly good it was the start of the excuses. And then I went to New Orleans, where it is almost impossible to resist the food no matter how much you plan. I kept trying to pull it out, but then life and stress invaded and I conceded. I let the excuses get the better of me and I caved.
And now I feel like shit. Physically and emotionally. I am mentally beating myself up. The negative talk is definitely winning right now. This is something I want so bad, and I don’t understand why I can’t just do what I need to do. Why do I sabotage myself this way?
The good news… The last two days I have been 100% back on the plan. I went to the gym on Monday, and had planned to go Tuesday. I had my gym bag in my car and was on my way when David called me and I had to go home. But the plan is to go every day I can.
But, I’m scared. I’m worried that I’ll do good for a few days or a few weeks, and then I’ll fall right back into my old routine. I told Jodi yesterday that I take two steps forward and one step back. Or worse, three or four steps back and end up fighting something I thought I had already won.
I want to know how to maintain my focus. I want to know how to change my life for good. I want this problem to be something in the past. I want to beat this.
But I’m terrified I can’t.
I know you guys believe in me, but the real question is, how do I believe in myself?
*This post is being linked up with parenting By dummies for Wordful Wednesday and with Shell at Things I Can’t Say for Pour Your Heart Out.