For a long time I’ve fought a battle. Really more like a war. With myself. It is the war against weight. And I’m losing. I’m losing so, so bad.
My addiction to food, my apathy, my… fear? All of those things are winning. And I don’t know what to do. Or at least, I don’t know how to make myself do it.
I was sitting in the car this morning before work when Pink’s new song came on, Perfect*. I love this song so much. I can imagine myself singing it from the top of my lungs to all the young girls and women out there that need to hear it. That they are worth so much more than they realize. And then I sang this part:
Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead
And I started to cry in the car because this is exactly what I do to myself. The voices in my head tell me that I can’t do it. That I will just fail again. That I will always be fat. That my kids will never have a mother that is healthy. That I’m weak. That I will never be more or better than I am right now.
And as I sit here writing this I’m crying. Because I believe them. And I don’t know how to prove them wrong. And I’m so scared that they will continue to win.
And this is the first time I’ve ever admitted that.
*And if you haven’t heard the song you can listen to it hear, and actually the video make the message even better.