For a long time I’ve fought a battle. Really more like a war. With myself. It is the war against weight. And I’m losing. I’m losing so, so bad.
My addiction to food, my apathy, my… fear? All of those things are winning. And I don’t know what to do. Or at least, I don’t know how to make myself do it.
I was sitting in the car this morning before work when Pink’s new song came on, Perfect*. I love this song so much. I can imagine myself singing it from the top of my lungs to all the young girls and women out there that need to hear it. That they are worth so much more than they realize. And then I sang this part:
Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead
And I started to cry in the car because this is exactly what I do to myself. The voices in my head tell me that I can’t do it. That I will just fail again. That I will always be fat. That my kids will never have a mother that is healthy. That I’m weak. That I will never be more or better than I am right now.
And as I sit here writing this I’m crying. Because I believe them. And I don’t know how to prove them wrong. And I’m so scared that they will continue to win.
And this is the first time I’ve ever admitted that.
*And if you haven’t heard the song you can listen to it hear, and actually the video make the message even better.
♥ sending you love. It is so important to change those voices in your head. You can not change your situation without realized and acknowledging that you are beautiful and worth it. If you dont change those thoughts — the problems will still be there even if you achieve whatever your self imposed goal weight is. you are so not alone! & I believe you are beautiful & worth it!
Jennifer, those voices are the DEVIL! I mean, I know that sounds hard but it's partly true. I'll pray for you that you can start to ignore them and know that you CAN do it. I would say if you REALLY want to do this (and I KNOW you do) start with little changes in your diet first. Then make bigger changes and add in as much exercise when you can, even if it's just getting outside with the kids and kicking a ball around.
You are a beautiful woman and the main reason to do this is for YOU. Yes, you want to be healthy for your kids but you have to value YOURSELF first hon.
We are here to support you… xo
So many of us have this battle (including myself)… I hope you can get to a better place mentally because you are SO worth it!
Elaine linked me over here and while I've never "met" you before I just wanted to give you a big hug. I'm dealing with much the same thing right now. I'm just glad I don't want to have kids. I'd be scared of what craziness I passed along to them.
Love you girl. Hang in there. XOXO
Well, now I'm crying for you and for every girl who has felt that way. Somehow I have made it through life with a strong and healthy self-image. I know that is rare. I'm also lucky in that my weight struggles have been minimal throughout my life. I know that is unusual and not all that helpful to you though.
I like what Elaine said. The destructive self-talk is evil, for real. Every woman (person) falls prey to it, whether it is about weight or clothes or our job or being a mother or whatever. Each day is a battle to overcome it. Some days we lose, but over time we can start winning more than losing.
I'll tell you this–I love reading about other women and their efforts to improve whatever it is that is bringing them down. It is so inspiring to me, all of it, the good and bad. So I hope you'll keep writing about it.
Finally, we sing a song at a women's retreat that I help with. "How could anyone ever tell you, you were anything less than beautiful? How could anyone ever tell you, you were less than whole? How could anyone fail to notice that your loving is a miracle? How deeply you're connected to my soul." I love it because it is just affirmation, women showing love to other women. Maybe you can sing it to yourself when you're feeling low.
It will get better!
You're so right and so real on this.
I'd never really listened to Pink's lyrics, and now I'm tearing. I want my girls to listen to this over and over (and apparently this is the clean version… hehe…).
Thank you, and you're perfect.
I guess that's the whole problem with a lot of things. We convince ourselves of the outcome and no one can tell us otherwise. I mean… it's ourselves! I'm sure things will work out once you start tell yourself what to believe instead of the other way around. And reading that was just as confusing as doing it so I know how hard it is. I think losing weight is one of the hardest battles there are. I would tell you that you can do it. But you will get a lot of those. And to be honest… the words of support help but they don't change anything. You have already figured out it's convincing the voices THEY are wrong.
You're not alone!
I know. I can't even say how much.
Oh Jennifer…I can imagine how hard this is for you. It breaks my heart that so many women (myself included) have had to struggle through a lifetime of LIES that we've heard so often we have actually deceived ourselves into believing they are truth. But they aren't. I don't know where you stand spiritually, but when I listened to that song it made me think of God – and I'm convinced he's singing those words to us everyday, "don't you ever ever feel like you're less than perfect… Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing, You're perfect to ME (God)." Now THAT is TRUTH. Hang in there and make it a daily (if not hourly) choice to replace the lies with TRUTH.
Do you want to be a healthy momma for your kiddos? Of course!
Does that mean you have to look a certain way? Absolutely not.
Make being healthy your goal and seek accountability when you need it
We're all rooting for you SITStah!
<3 from Florida…
I feel exactly the same many days. You have to devote yourself to one day at a time. Don't dwell on past failures or what lies ahead. Each day is a new day and you need to embrace that. I wake each day and think of one food I will not eat on that day. No cookies today. It makes it much easier to reach a goal. Tomorrow it may be no cookies and no soda. And if I fail that day – I try again tomorrow. Don't give up – just keep trying!
You're living in my head, girl. I understand and live every single word in this post.
But today you did something. You were so brave and you put it out there. And just look at all of these voices, these women who understand and extend arms. You are not alone.
I am no sure how to win the battle, I fight it myself everyday. But, I can make it less lonely, sweetie.
I am right next to you fighting it with you:)
I love how powerful that song is… Definitely a good "girl power" song
I never saw the video before- so powerful!
I just heard that song and video a few days ago. Very powerful!
I have those voices too. It's so hard to turn them off.
Oh, *hugs* We all have those voices. You are not weak, not at all, and "fat" does not always equal "unhealthy". The best thing you can do for your kids is set an example of trying your best.
Oh sweetie! We all have those voices.. and they are paralyzing. It is so much easier to admit defeat and sit around and feel sorry for ourselves ( I know this because I do it all the time) but there almost always comes a time when you have had enough and you scream EFF YOU to the voices and put your determined face on. Then, you have to be forgiving… because no one is perfect… and look at everyone that has lost large amounts of weight (your best friend included) and they will tell you that every day wasn't a success and a win. There are days when you DO fail… and you will fall down and fail miserably- but allow yourself that and don't let it cause you to quit entirely. Get up, dust yourself off and start working again. Girl.. you are a strong woman, you I know you can do it. And I also know it is so much easier to say than to actually do… but we are all here to support you. To listen to you cry/whine/bitch/scream/celebrate. The first step is to give yourself a break and stop tearing yourself down.
I've got some pretty loud negative voices in my head too. But I decided to get on the treadmill with my ipod cranked to max volume and walk till they quieted. And the next day and the next day.
Six weeks have gone by and they still win somedays, but the positive voices are finding their volume.
It's a fight, but you're worth the battle. ((((((Hugs)))))
(I started following you on twitter today, btw. I'm jenlovesmusic74)
Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. I will not let you fail…
I really believe a lot of women can relate to those very words. I know my inner voice can be very cruel especially when getting dressed in the morning or checking the scale.
That song always makes me cry. I think as a mother of girls you try so hard to hide your own body image insecurities so that your girls won't feel that way. But they know. And I think the older they get the harder it is to hide from them that you don't feel good about yourself.
I don't know the solution for you all I know is that there are lot of women right there with you, wether it is a weight issue, or a different body image issue, or just not feeling as well liked or accepted, or whatever. I think the most important thing we can do for our girls though is come to terms with what makes us us and be harppy about it. Whether that means you are a size 14 or a size 4or the most popular mom on the block or the mom with only a close few friends. We have to let go of the image of what we were expected to be.
Thanks for letting us in on the voices in the head. I think that was a first step- feeling comfortable enough to voice it out loud.
Hi, I am visiting from SITS. I have battled with my weight all of my life. I got to a really great place, and then put it all back on. Now I am so close to that really great weight again, but these last couple of months I have given up. I have been reading some of your posts, and they are inspiring, and so relateable. Your blog posts have given me the extra shove I needed to get back on track, so thanks!