Yesterday I read this post about “perfection”. If you haven’t read it you totally should. It is very powerful. In it the author challenges us to “be real.”
I can do real.
Sometimes I am sad. Like tonight. The sadness fillls me up, it surrounds me, it grips my chest and tightens around my heart until I feel like I can’t breathe. It sinks into the pit of my stomach and makes me weak with nausea. It clouds my vision and blinds me to the happiness that lies just in front of my face. Sometimes I don’t even know why the sadness is there, but other times, like tonight, I know exactly why I’m sad. I just can’t do anything about it.
Sometimes I worry. I know a lot of people worry, but not until the point that it consumes their every waking moment. And my worries are usually baseless. I worry about things like what if my husband is killed in accident, how will we make it. What if one of my children is abducted. How will I manage to cope to raise the other one? What if they have a problem that I can’t help them with? What if I fail at something that really matters? Not something that effects just me, but something that effects all of us.
I do not take care of myself. While I have tons of self-confidence, I have very little self-worth. I know those sound like the same thing, but they are not at all. Because of that it makes it hard to do things for myself. I over eat. I eat things that are bad for me. I do not exercise. I know that it endangers my health and puts my family at risk of losing me, but I can’t stop. You can ask what I want for my birthday or Christmas and I will not be able to give you an answer. I hardly ever think about doing things for myself.
I protect my heart with a wall of indifference. Very few people actually get into my full heart. I love very hard and I’m extremely loyal to the people I care about. This makes it very easy for me to be hurt. I learned at an early age that it is much easier to just block anyone from ever coming in than to have to extricate them later when they hurt me.
Most people never see this side of me. I wear a mask to hide this part of me. I don’t like to share it. But it is important. None of us are perfect. And the more we can open up. The more we can share. The more “real” parts of us we can show to the world; the better off we will all be.
This post is being linked up here and here.
{ 31 comments }
That's beautiful and I read the post about perfection yesterday…WOW. I am the same way as you- not letting people in- and that is why I have such a hard time with being a military spouse. I can't just make friends quickly out of the necessity for them and then cut the ties when they leave. I have a really hard time with this, even after 12 years of it, and it makes me sad too. I'm so sorry you are sad, but thank you for sharing. I think the perfection post is right in that it is important for people to realize that there is no such thing as perfection and by sharing the rough moments, it helps people see all sides of you.
The only way to avoid worries is to live in the present. Your one second is precious and the rest will take care of itself.
I am an excessive worrier too. It can be all-consuming. I can be sitting in a gas station while my husband pumps gas outside the car and all of a sudden, a thought about a robber coming and what I would do takes over my mind and I can't let it go. I imagine terrible, terrible things happening, and it's like I'm stuck and can't move past it.
It's nice to know I'm not alone.
And all of this is why I love you so….you are just a normal person that tries hard every day….
You worry because you have had loss..you protect yourself because you have had hurt….but you LOVE hard because you are loved. In other words just normal….
Thanks for being real, Jen. I read that post the other day too and it's been bugging me ever since.
Your post inspired me to write one of my own and get it all out. Thanks!
I love it when I read about people doing the same off the wall things that I do..
Sometimes when my family is away from me I have horrifying visions of them getting hurt or dying.. maybe there was a fire, or a burglary. Maybe my mother fell or my husband didn't wake up.. sometimes I'm in tears before I see them again..
Beautiful post. I love the raw honestly in it.
I'll write about the real me for tomorrow. Note: the real me is a procrastinator!
Beautiful post. I love the raw honestly in it.
I'll write about the real me for tomorrow. Note: the real me is a procrastinator!
Your honesty is bracing, here. I call myself a Professional Worrier, and I hate it about myself. ((hugs))
Jennifer that was brave and beautiful. I've been where you are, I've worked hard to get through it, and you can too. It takes work to live in the moment, but that's truly all we have.
Thanks for the post.
I also ready the perfection post a few days ago and it was very powerful. I think it's brave of you to put your real self out there. Sometimes I'm afraid to show how insecure I am or expose how little self worth I actually posses. Thank you for being stronger than me, you are an inspiration.
I have days like these too. Hang in there.
HUGS!
Thank you for sharing, and for posting Single Dad Laughing's post on perfection. I can relate to the excessive worrying because for a very long time, I stressed and stressed about everything – big things, little things – most of the time, they were probably not worth stressing over. This affected me mentally and physically, until it reached the point where I developed two conditions (referred to as 'neurogenic' by both specialists). This is when I realized that there is no point in stressing out over things we have no control over or that we can't change. Believe me, I know how hard it is to deprogram yourself of this habit – but even though it took quite some time (2-3 years), I feel much happier with myself and with my life now.
I admire your courage in posting the 'real' you. Keep it real, girl.
Now you make me want to cry. I never realized it, but I don't have much self-worth. I don't take care of myself healthwise either. I eat fatty foods & have a history of heart problems in my family. And I certainly don't exercise. As for gifts, I never know what I want either so they just give me money & I end up spending it on the children.
This post was one of those things that caused, for me, the noise in my head to stop. Quiet descended over my mind as I read it. I could have written parts of this. Particularly the part about self-worth and not doing anything good for yourself.
This mindset has allowed me to pack on a whopping 60 pounds. And have high cholesterol before I am even 32 years old. And shamble around every day in sloppy clothes with bad posture.
And I'm working on quitting it. I have a beautiful 9-year-old girl watching my every move. Watching me hate my body and destroy myself with unhealthy habits. Watching me be unsure. Watching and learning.
Someday she will begin to imitate me. She already is making friends with girls who are mean to her (we're working on that).
I'm faking it, honey. Fake it till you feel it. I'm changing my eating habits, changing my behavior habits. Fixing my hair every damned day. Standing up straighter.
I may not ever feel inside what I'm trying to show her, but I don't want her to grow up to be self-destructive. I want her to grab life with both hands and devour it – with joy.
Maybe in the process I'll find some of it myself.
Your little girl is learning from you, Jennifer. She's learning that she isn't worth it. How can she be worth it if Momma isn't?
She IS worth it, Jen. And SO. ARE. YOU.
Wendy – Ouch. Girl that hurt. You hit me right where you needed to. Wow. Just wow. If I weren't at work tears would be streaming down my face. As it is they are clouding my eyes as I fight to keep them in check. You are so, so right. I need to think about this, and what I can do to change it. Thank you. Love you girl.
I need your email address. Is it still the same since the move?
This is inspiring. There are many times that I have feelings and emotions that just get "stuffed" because they just aren't pretty, fun, or entertaining.
So maybe I'll get on the bandwagon. Maybe. Stuff like that is hard for me. But that's the whole point of the challenge, right? To purge, expose, and deal.
I think you're awesome.
Lovely. I worry constantly about those sorts of things too. Sometimes you just need to remember to calm down, read a book, talk a walk, look after yourself.
Yep, Wendy has a point there. Jennifer, have you ever tried therapy for your over eating? I'm just curious, since it seems to be an emotional thing for you. I'm no expert, I just know that has helped a few of my friends.
Thank you for being SO real with us. And you're right, there's no shame in putting it out there and letting every know the REAL you. None at all.
You've probably helped someone else with this post.
P.S. You are beautiful. xo
I need to read that post about perfection!
I love that you can be real and admit the things that you struggle with. Because we all have worries and none of us is perfect.
What a great insight into yourself! I enjoyed reading this not your struggles but that you are so open. I was the same way and I figured out that my worth is not in myself but the worth that my Lord gives me. If He was willing to die so that I might live, then I am worth something far greater than gold!
You and I have a lot in common. It took every ounce of me to spend $10 on a pack of new underwear last month – the first in probably 5 years. I just didn't see the point. My husband and children still had needs. Why should I get new undies when their needs haven't been met? I am the opposite with food – I just don't eat.Just days after giving birth to my second, I was hospitalized for not eating or drinking anything after a bout of stomach flu. I was too worried about my sick sons that I didn't take care of myself.
Perfection is often the enemy in my eyes! Thank you for this post.
Beautiful post. I appreciate you sharing your real self. It's hard to put it out there sometimes. I've had that overwhelming sadness before too. It's so hard. Thanks for sharing.
* a whole slew of cuss words *
you inspire me.
Thanks for the Single Dad Laughing post and for yours too. That comment from Wendy was totally WOW. I agree. Those little girls of ours are watching. Let go of that worry. It is causing you to miss out on things. Whats the point in what if-ing? Live in the moment. Enjoy your family, your children. Enjoy you.
Hi! I came here from the SITS community forum over on BlogFrog.
I, too, worry about things excessively, in my opinion. I do take meds for anxiety, and they help me from really freaking out about things. I have also learned to employ some relaxation techniques to calm myself, especially at night when I'm trying to get to sleep. That's when it's really hard for me.
It is so refreshing to read your post. So often we hide our true selves and I believe it is a recipe for unhappiness. Thanks for sharing and 'being real.' When you have time, check out my latest blog post – it parallels with yours quite nicely! http://theroaringdecade.wordpress.com
I just don't know what to say. I am glad you are okay with being real and putting it out there. I am so sad that you have those issues but hell, I mean, we've all got 'em. The trick, I guess, is to recognize your issues and deal with them and keep going. It looks like you're definitely on the right track. I admire your honesty about yourself. That's something I'm lacking lately.
Stopping by from SITS. Saw the link to this post in the BlogFrog community.
Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I could have written those very words.
I wish more people would share their "true" selves.
Jennifer~
I was going through some of your older posts today…because I have so many other things to do but I’d rather be reading about you in blog-land
Anyway, I’ve thought it before, but now I KNOW, we have a lot in common.
Because of that I can say that I know how you feel, both when you feel sad and know why, or when you feel sad without a specific reason. I also know how you feel about wanting to be real. It’s something I work on everyday and a key reason why I started my blog.
You have been an inspiration to me and helpful in more ways than you know since I began my blog journey at gleaning grace.
I’m so glad that Texan Mama’s blog led me to yours way back in the beginning of my entry to the bloggy-world!
I heart you!
Have a great day!
~Leslie~
You are so, so sweet, and I’m so glad you started reading too. Thanks for going back and reading some of the old stuff.
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