She had it coming.
She was asking for it.
If she had acted differently then it wouldn’t have happened.
Have you ever heard these phrases? Have you ever said them yourself? Well lots of people do; and they do it a lot of the time.
- Just recently the Chief of the Dallas police department suggested that women should stop drinking to lower the instances of date rape.*
- After Rihanna was physically assaulted by her boyfriend a survey of teenage boys revealed that they thought she deserved what happened to her.
- Erin Andrews, a reporter for ESPN, was stalked and secretly filmed. Critics indicated that she deserved it because she was pretty.
A couple of weeks ago when I wrote this post, this is what I was trying to communicate. I’m not upset about the school asking my daughter to wear shorts. I’m upset about the attitude behind the request.
Where does this attitude come from? What are we teaching our sons about respecting women? What are we teaching our daughters about deserving respect?
In 2006 the United Nations Division for the Advancement of Women issued a report concerning eliminating all forms of discrimination and violence against girls. Granted this report dealt with countries outside of the United States, but the lessons that were learned can be applied today. Like this one:
“The socialization of boys and views about what men and women should and should not do are rooted in childrearing practices from the first moments of life onward.”
I think empowering our daughters is a first step. Teaching them that they are worth more, that they deserve more, that they can do more. Yes, we need to do all of those things, but in addition we need to take the next step. We need to teach our sons the same thing. That girls are equal, that they are to be respected, that no means no, that maybe means no, and to never judge a book by its cover.
No one deserves to be mistreated or taken advantage of because of gender, race, age or sexual orientation. The only way we can stop these types of attitudes is to teach our children that they are wrong. THAT is what our daughters deserve.
For more posts in this series:
Moxie Runs in the Family
6 Ways to Raise a Daughter with Moxie
Appropriate Behavior, Girls vs. Boys
Confidence is Important
*I understand that his intent was that women need to be smart and aware of their surroundings, but that isn’t how it sounded. Someone in his position should be more careful about how they talk about victims of a crime. Here is a video of what he said during the meeting.
{ 23 comments }
GREAT post. One of the reasons I wish I had a girl is so that I could teach my boys to respect women by respecting their sister. I'll have to find another way…but I WILL teach them.
Good for you, galfriend! I see this kind of reaction all the time in the high school where I teach. When are we going to stop blaming the woman?
Seeing Red
This is just so irritating. Why can't men be taught by their parents to respect women. Why do WE have to proactive against them?
Without getting on a huge soapbox with a 20-minute tirade, I think there is a lot to be said about teaching a young boy to be a gentleman. It's just so ignored today. Everyone is all about "Treat all children exactly the same! Boys and girls are the same!!!!" Uh, no they are not. And, I mean this in a way to be agreeing with you… Yes both girls and boys should show equal respect for each other, but showing equal respect can be done in different ways. Like, boys should NOT look up girls' dresses, for example.
Okay, I got off track there. But my point is, I wish more parents found the value in teaching their child self-control and restraint of their emotion-based actions.
If we cut off boy's "things" that would end of lot of these problems. Now is that the answer!?! That just burns me up. You should NOT make excuses for bad behavior!
As always- when you get on this soapbox- love it! Totally agree with it!
Well said!
It's not about being aware of your surroundings – we ALL need to do that, male & female – it's about making the assumption that we aren't!
Also… I think it portrays all men as evil sex fiends if we give this attitude. How about put a little blame on them – and by them I mean the ones who are predators, not ALL men.
*stopping before I hijack*
Powerfully stated! Way to go.
This blog post is along the same lines… http://www.connecticutspecialeducationlawyer.com/occasional-rants/phoebe-prince-bullying-disabilities-and-the-eggshell-skull/
I love how you are being so active in your pursuit of this sexist/gender awareness!
I agree that girls and boys should be taught what is, and is not, appropriate behavior. There should be respect for others in all circumstances and situations.
Jerks in power like that Dallas Chief of Police are the biggest reason that so many instances of rape go unreported each year. Why is it okay to blame the victim in rape and domestic violence cases? Would you blame a murder victim, or the victim of identity theft? It wasn't until recently (I'm not sure exactly when, but I want to say the past fifteen years) that the "battered woman defense" was even allowed in a courtroom. So if a woman was beaten by her partner, and killed him in self-defense, she got the hefty jail sentence. In most of these cases there were prior reports of DV, but the abuser got a slap on the wrist, if that.
Thank you so much for highlighting such an important issue. Yes, we need to teach girls to be aware of their surroundings and what to do if they ever are attacked, but we also need to teach boys not to view women as objects that they can control and use for their own purposes.
it's parents like you that will make some girl very happy to be in love and loved by your son.
keep up the good work.
I completely agree with you. Eminen and Rhianna sing a song: Like the Way it Hurts, and when I hear this song, I'm torn between loving the rhythm and hating the lyrics. I think it's violent and it's teaching women to stay in abusive relationships because the love is so intense…come on!…oops…sort of got on a soapbox there…
Loved your post is all I'm trying to say. It was smart and very insightful.
GRRRRRR. Don't even get me started on this one. I'm with ya.
I agree with you completely. It is hard to get past the historic "it's always the woman's fault" and it won't be easy as those who hold the power don't easily want to give it up or change. So kudos to you for trying to teach your son otherwise!
Well said. I avoid malls for this very reason. I see the clothes that girls are wearing now a days and I think to myself, "What does she think she's advertising cause it sure ain't her great personality."
And then I see boys stare at these girls and make comments and I can't help but wonder what their parents taught them about respect. It goes both ways. Boys need to be taught about respect and girls need to be taught about self respect.
Well said! And as a mom of a boy you better believe I will be teaching my guy those things.
right on! I don't know why the burden should fall on women/girls to "act right" or "dress right" lest we invite verbal or physical attack from men/boys. I'm so tired of the boys will be boys attitude.
First off: Happy SITS Day!
Second: I completely agree. In Canada (where I live), I've noticed not only a regression in terms of treating women with respect, but also in general common courtesy. It's disappeared almost entirely.
Third: Awhile back I had an incident with a guy I had consensually slept with before. I said no and felt extremely violated because although I was very drunk I still said no. Apparently it wasn't communicated, but worse than that when I told my friends, girls who were supposed to be my besties, their reaction was, "Well you did say he looked cute the other day." As if that's some kind of invitation. It's not just boys, it's girls and women. We need to stop assuming that everyone wants to have sex simply because they might comment on another's appearance.
Great post!
i love what you had to say here! boys are not being raised to respect women very well. That's MY opinion. My dad was HUGE on enforcing loving and respecting women. My brother is a testament to that. Despite whatever faults he may have, he far and away treats women with the utmost amazing respect. I always thought to expect that and was in for a rude awakening when I came to be of dating age. I've never found a man like my father or brother. I know they're out there. But definitely not too many!
These are some wonderful posts and I agree with your sentiment whole heartedly.
I have an 8 month old son and my husband and I are even at this age, using examples of every day actions to teach him things that are right and wrong, as well as being a gentleman where women are concerned, and darn it, just in general!
We are not as PC on the equal rights movement as some, and I know, shoot me down right here, but we will teach open mindedness, tolerance, kindness, and a gentle treatment of the fairer sex. ( I know, but fair warning given) Some things should just not be modernized.
Any way,
have a lovely day!
amazing post. good for u for speaking up on this and bringing light to such a serious subject. loved it and thoroughly enjoy ur blog.
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