A couple of weeks ago one of my readers emailed and suggested a topic for the Moxie series. I was really glad she did because it was something that I would have never come up with this idea on my own. Here’s her story.
Meet Jane*:
I am so impressed with Jennifer’s series on Raising Girls with Moxie. I love it. It caused me to reflect on my own upbringing. Let me preface this by saying that I was raised in a very loving family and have many fond memories of my childhood with my two sisters. It’s human nature, however, to compare how you parent to how you were raised.
I asked Jennifer if I could share my story on this topic so that it might be helpful to anyone who is hesitant about talking to their daughter(s) about the birds & bees (a.k.a. “the sex talk”). Jennifer was very kind to allow me to guest post. After reading, hopefully you may understand why I am posting anonymously. To save time and reign in my thoughts, I’m going to give a sort of timeline to you. I think it will speak for itself.
- Prior to 4th grade: no mention was made of sex, puberty or the like.
- 4th grade: I watched a video at school as we learned about the reproductive system.
- 6th grade: I attended a “talk” with my mother, put on by our Girl Scout troop. During the “talk” they passed around a book, opened to a page showing the development of a woman’s genitalia. The opposite page showed the same for men, and was covered by a piece of paper. When the book was passed to me and my mother the paper fell off, exposing about a dozen penises, to our surprise. The evening ended with my mother asking me in a very strained, awkward voice if I had any questions. I said I didn’t because I could tell she was so uncomfortable. Therein ended my “birds and bees” education.
- Fast forward to me at 15: My parents told me on the way home from a piano competition (in which I performed horribly) that they felt I needed to see a gynecologist because, it turned out, they feared I was having sex with my boyfriend. I wasn’t. But, since I was ultra curious due to the lack of openness in our house about sex, and since my parents already thought I was having sex, I decided, “why not?” I lost my virginity 2 days short of my 16th birthday. I’m lucky that I didn’t get pregnant and become a single, teenage mommy. Very, very lucky.
My parents love us without a doubt. But what I want to change for my daughter is to have more conversations with her. To be open about our bodies, their capabilities, the miracle of life and the responsibility that comes with bringing one into this world. To talk about valuing herself, cherishing herself, loving herself for who she is, and before walking into a sexual life, really considering the reasons why she’s doing it first. For love? Curiosity? Hormones?
I want to be able to watch my daughter enter adulthood knowing that I’ve given her as many tools as I can. If I can do that, I’ll feel I’ve done my job. I hope all the other mommies out there can do the same. It’s a big job, but so very important.
When Jane emailed me I suggest that we both write our experiences. She agreed that it was a good idea so here is my story.
I don’t remember any talk about sex before fourth grade either. I’m know that my Mom told me bodies are private and all of the basics that we tell our kids, but I don’t remember knowing about sex. What I do remember specifically is when my Mom had “the talk” with me.
It was the summer before my fourth grade year and I was watching an after school special about teenage pregnancy. I have no idea why the special was on during the summer, but it was. My mom was doing household stuff when she walked through the living room and saw what I was watching. Right then she stopped what she was doing and asked what I knew about being pregnant. Of course I didn’t know anything so she explained the whole process to me.
I don’t remember the words she used for the whole ins and outs of the process, but obviously I know that she did. What I remember the most is her telling me that sex should always occur between two people that love each other, that sex is a big responsibility not just because of the bad things that could happen, but also because of the emotional responsibility that sex carries with it. She taught me that sex isn’t just something that you do with your body, but something you also do with your heart.
When I started dating several years later I carried that lesson with me. I was fortunate to learn early that boys did not carry the emotional baggage about sex that girls did. Boys were more interested in conquests than commitments. So I waited. I wanted my first time to be with someone that really loved me, and would possibly love me forever.
Old fashioned? Probably. But you know what? I don’t care if I’m old fashioned. I’m still married to my first time. And I still carry that message my Mom taught me when I was nine years old. The same message that I want to pass on to my Baby Girl. Although the thought of telling her four years from now seriously freaks me out.
I might have Moxie, but that doesn’t mean the sex talk with my daughter doesn’t scare the hell out of me.
For more entries in the Moxie series check these posts:
Moxie Runs in the Family
Appropriate Behavior, Girls vs. Boys
Confidence Is Important
She Deserves It
*Jane is not her real name. A reader emailed me and asked if we could address this topic in the moxie series. I thought it would be a good idea to contrast our “education” on the subject. She asked to please remain anonymous. As much as I would like to share her identity so that you could go to her blog and love up on her I understand her request and am preserving her anonymity.
{ 12 comments }
I can't think who I wold trust with this task more than you. Take it in little steps. You will know. You may want the heads up that many schools teach this in Kindergarten. I think that is too soon to know the use of a condom.
Excellent post.
When I was first given the talk, my mom talked of flowers, and marriage, and I had no idea that the "flower" my mom was talking about was the same thing I'd heard my friends talking about it schools. It wasn't till years later that I realized my mom had the sex talk without ever using the word.
My mom never said a word to me about sex but she slapped me on the pill at 13. Not really the way to handle it, eh?
4th grade!?! Where's my Xanax. Sass is in the 3rd now. And she thinks if you have a baby when you're a teenager, you go to hell. That's the best I could come up with in that particular situation. I also lost my v before I want my girls too. Thank the Lord I was fertility-challenged! So I'll be stealing what your momma said, Jennifer!
Can you mom give my daughter the talk?
My parents didn't give me the talk….I learned in school. And then got myself on BCP at 16 so that I could have sex.
Wish my parents had talked to me about it.
Dong this is such a hard topic I have both a boy (in 3rd grade so I know it is coming soon) and a girl (who is only 4 so we have some time)
I really want things to be ALOT different than when I was younger. My mom and I never had a serious talk about it I kinda just learned along the way. When my older sister got pregnant while in high school my mom took me to get put on the pill. I had sex at a young age and while I can't say I regret them all but I do wish things were different. I want Abby to know what it really means to love someone and be loved by someone and not to do it out of curiosity or because that is what everyone is doing.
My parents told me the basics but then said "you have to wait until you are married because that's what God wants". I happen to now believe that God intends only marrieds to have sex but telling a somewhat rebellious teen they can't do something is pretty stupid! And, as we all know, what God intends for us is most of the time NOT what we end up doing.
I LOVE the way your mom talked about sex with you Jen. Because really, it doesn't matter if you are religious or not, after you have sex with someone, your heart is SO much more involved and if it doesn't work out, it breaks into a million tiny pieces AND truth be told, sex is different for men and women.
Please tell your mom "great job" and I'll also be stealing some of her phrases! Right NOW since my oldest are in 6th and 7th grade!
What an excellent topic.
I was given a book that my parents purchased through our church. They read it first, and then let me read it and then we discussed it. It was a good way to do it, and I think I'll do something similar.
Um, is it wierd that I got "the talk" from my brother, who is 3 years older than me, because our parents never talked to me about it?
Peppermint Patty is 10 and I don't see us doing the talk anytime soon. Although, I have asked her point blank, have you heard your friends talk about sex? Do you know what that is? Do you want to know? Do you want me to explain it to you? I've asked her many times and every time she says, "no, that's gross." I always say, "It's important, and I want to talk to you, woman to woman, when you're ready, okay?" and she always answers, "When I'm ready, I'll tell you. I promise." I think I'm more anxious to get it over with than she is to hear it! LOL
I got the logistical talk in 3rd grade when I asked how my piano teacher got pregnant. But I never, ever got the "sex is something important that you don't do until you are married" talk.
And you know what? I'm still suffering from some of the consequences.
I will do things MUCH differently.
I'm ALL about honesty and openness. Much like Jane, my parents never talked to me about sex. I lost my virginity MUCH LATER than my friends, but partially because of curiosity when I was a senior in high school. I am a huge supporter of talking throughout life and keeping the parent-child relationship OPEN while still parent-child (and not friend-friend).
Cool series!
Popped over from the link on SITS today and found this posting. Interestingly, I posted on the same topic yesterday in my "Sunday Funnies" post. I'm lovin' your blog.
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