Baby Girl loves her dresses. She would probably wear them every day if I didn’t insist on variety. The other day she came home from daycare and informed me that she needed to start wearing shorts under her dress.
Me: “Why? Were you showing your panties?” We’ve had discussions about the appropriate way to sit in a dress.
BG: “No. I was on the monkey bars and the boys were looking up my dress.”
Me: “You didn’t do anything wrong and you will not being wearing shorts under your dress. The boys need to change their behavior; you do not need to change your wardrobe.”
In addition to that I was reviewing the dress code for Kindergarten last week and noticed that girls are required to wear shorts under their dresses. Why?! Of course there is no explanation, but I was not happy about it.
Why is it that the norm is for girls to change their actions, but not to teach boys how to behave appropriately? This is an issue I definitely want to explore further in my Moxie series, but frankly I’m just too tired tonight to address such a heavy subject.
What do y’all think? Should our daughters be the one to change or should we teach our sons to respect our daughters?
Prior posts in the Moxie series:
Moxie Runs in the Family
6 Ways to Raise a Daughter with Moxie
In our school, the girls only have to wear shorts under their dresses on gym days and I agree with that. Otherwise there is no reason for shorts under dresses. Your daughter should not have to change her wardrobe – the boys should be taught its not nice to look up her dress!
This is quite a can of worms. The implication of that dress code rule is the same as in the grown ups courtroom, "It was her fault she was raped because she was provocatively dressed."
I look forward to hearing the corresponding installment in the "Moxie Files"
I guess all the public school administrators who read your blog are glad I homeschool.
Maggie – That is EXACTLY my reasoning. I know it is just Kindergarten and I don't want to stir up a can of worms, but I would really like to know why that is the rule. If she is doing something inappropriate then that's different. I will handle that, BUT if there is another more gender biased reason then I'm NOT ok with that.
I completely agree with you.
However, the shorts under the dress thing was required in kindergarten only at our school because the kindergarten children spend so much time sitting on the floor. They said it was for health reasons.
You make a really good point. Boys should be taught to respect girls. At the same time, I can see reasons for such a dress code as well. At my daughter's school, there isn't a dress code, but whenever she wore dresses, she wanted to wear leggings underneath. When I asked her why, she told me it was easier to be on the floor for "center time" and play at recess when she didn't have to worry about keeping her dress down. (She's a little monkey.. loves to hang upside down and turn flips over the bars.) It was her choice though. That's how she felt the most comfortable.
I don't know. It irks me a little bit whenever schools make such blanket decisions and apply them to everyone, but what if you have a little girl in kindergarten who doesn't care about keeping her dress down? Who holds her dress up, flips over the bars, sits cross legged on the floor, all while flashing her undies to everyone in the room? That's just as inappropriate as a boy looking up a girl's skirt intentionally.
I guess what I'm saying is I think your point is absolutely valid, but at the same time, I can see why a school would make such a decision, even if it bugs me a little.
I couldn't agree more! It sounds like these kids need a little talking to
I agree, the behavior needs to be addressed. However, bike shorts were a huge blessing with very active girls. If I am going to send them out on a playground with monkey bars, I want them to be able to play, even in a dress, and not worry about modesty.
I would be irked though if the school made it a rule. (I have authority issues to begin with. )
My girls wear biker shorts with lace on the edges that we call bloomers under their dresses and skirts. Mainly because my girls are active. I love that they are girly enough to want to wear dresses but moxy enough to play with the boys. Boys should be taught proper behavior but many are not and I don't want my girls to feel victimized by them when a pair of shorts solve the problem
Hmm… that's a hard one. My first thought was exactly what Maggie said.. that is seems to be catering to that "boys will be boys" but we ladies must not tempt them. That annoys me. The dress code at Noah's school (PK-5) doesn't address this, it only asks parents to "dress their kids appropriately for gym day". KMama's point is interesting too.. I never really thought about that.
I have never had a daughter, or even a baby sister, but I did raise 2 boys to be respectful and understand equality between the sexes. That said, kindergarten is a very active age for exploration between the sexes… albeit innocent. The more you make a big deal out of the problem, the bigger it becomes. At some point you have to just let them be kids and not shine a light on it.
Hmmm, interesting one. Absolutely I don't think girls should have to modify THEIR clothing, as the default. But it seems like if they didn't, they'd be modifying their behaviour instead – ie, not playing as actively as they might want to. Seems unfair either way, doesn't it?
I agree with you. Although girls should be aware (which you've taught your daughter) boys should also understand what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior. Don't allow them to start treating women as objects at such a young age. I understand that they're curious, but that just means that it's a great time for an age appropriate discussion.
I NEVER thought of this. My girls don't wear skirts or dresses to school, ever (their preference) so we've never crossed this bridge. I think that if my girls did want to wear dressed to school though and were going on the monkey bars I'd want them to wear shorts just because I wouldn't want their under ware exposed whether or not someone was looking.
We always just get the little skirts that already have "drawers" sown in, which fixes the problem as soon as I swipe my debit card. I would rather my daughter wear such skirts to school than the ones without. When she sits "criss-cross-applesauce" the undies are sure to show unless she has a long skirt on or the afore mentioned type of skirts.
Another consideraton is that the fashions are not as modest as they were when "we" were growing up. Skirts are shorter.
IF any twerpy boys DO decide to flip her skirt up, they won't get the excitement that they were after. Futher, if my she is sitting on the floor in reading groups, I know that no one will see her light blue LPS skivies.
That's just my POV.
I didn't read through all of the responses so I hope I'm not repeating a lot of this.
I think you are right on the way things SHOULD be. We should be teaching the proper values to our children (boy or girl). But that doesn't mean they will completely follow them.
I'm the father of 3 girls so I err on the side of caution. Since I can't teach each BOY out there by smacking them in the back of the head anytime they do something inappropriate like that to my girls, I protect my girls. I would rather rely on MY parenting skills of my girls than to rely on the parenting skills of others with their boys.
Should my girls have to change? No.
Am I going to risk the alternative? No.
Would I get beat up for smacking a liitle boy in the back of the head for looking up my daughters dress? Probably.
So I will have her wear something underneath to save us BOTH the trouble.
I think the easiest and best way to handle this question is to say: "What would Lady Gaga wear?" Schools LOVE it when the kids dress like her!
I don't know that for a fact. It's just what I've heard, of course.
I think its a little of both. We need to teach our sons that its not right to look and teach the girls not to show it off.
What? Bloomers maybe, but shorts? I totally agree the boys should be corrected on their behavior, not accommidated. (Is that spelled right?) And I agree with maggie S.
I didn't read all of the responses, but here's my two cents…
I went to a private school with a uniform – a skirt/dress/jumper thing. Some days I wore bike shorts under it so I could hang upside-down from the monkey bars. On days I didn't wear bike shorts, I didn't hang upside down. It was my responsibility to maintain my modesty, but it was also the boys responsibility not to try to look up my dress.
I don't think it should be a rule. All of the children should be taught to be modest and respectful.
I agree with Jen. I am a mom of 3 boys and 1 girl. I want my boys to be respectful. I want my girl to be respectful. The requirement doesn't seem unreasonable to me, especially since they are so young and active. Of course, I don't think it should be left there. It sounds like the boys need guidance (more supervision) on the playground.
though the boys behavior needs to be address, I think for my daughter's sake and the embarrassment I'd make her wear shorts.
this whole boys vs girls stuff though, crosses my mind a lot. There are things that I let slide with Bubba that I would NEVER let Buggy get away with … it is something I have been examining in my own behavior and trying to change.
I think it's not so much of a behavior question as it is a safety question. I think you're right – the boys should change their behavior. But, I think if the school were forcing the girls to NOT wear dresses, only shorts or pants, that would be more of a problem. I think the school, asking the girls to wear shorts under their dresses, is looking out for the girls, not turning a blind eye to the boys.
For that matter, some girls probably don't know how to sit properly in a dress, and that could be one of the reasons too.
Kinda like this: When we go to the store, we should be able to leave our purses in our carts without fear of them getting stolen, but the reality is that the only way to change it is to change our own behavior. I don't know if that is a good parallel or not.
Hi!
I came over from MamaKat's.
So first – I have to say that I am also going to BLoggy Boot Camp in Austin and I am really excited that I might get to meet you!
2nd – this is a great post. I wholeheartedly agree with your thoughts on the boys being taught appropriate behavior.
However – I also think that (as unfortunate as it is) many rules are put in place because not everyone uses common sense.
For instance, dress codes in general at school – these are put in place (much like they are in the workplace) because you have to assume the worst case scenario – lowest common denominator, etc.
You and I wouldn't wear a halter top and Daisy Dukes to work – but sadly there are people that would.
You and I would absolutely help our daughters understand the appropriate way to sit in a dress. Unfortunately, there are parents who don't take the time to share that with their daughters.
That said – I totally understand your frustration and my opinion might be completely different if I was in your shoes.
My daughter would never wear a dress without shorts under it – not sure why. Mostly she just didn't wear dresses.
Okay – now I'm rambling – like that guest that comes over for the first time and drinks all of your wine.
Great post – hope to see you in Austin!
Cate
My cousin recommended this blog and she was totally right keep up the fantastic work!